Selective Mutism: Ten Ways to Help a Child Who Can Talk (But Won’t!)

A child’s ability to converse easily with others can lead to success in school, in friendships, and in life.  When a child is reluctant to speak outside the family, it can be frustrating for all involved. If the situation is severe, the child may be diagnosed with “selective mutism.” How can we help? Here’s a few “don’t”s: 

• Don’t mention the child’s shyness within earshot.  
• Don’t encourage the child to speak. 
• Don’t let others tease the child (e.g. “What the matter – cat got your tongue?”)

These methods usually backfire, sending the child deeper into his or her shell. Instead, try the following ten techniques:

1. As often as possible, join the child in an enjoyable activity:  While you’re playing together, make a few pleasant, non-judgmental comments, e.g.: “Oooooh— the sand feels soft!” or “Wow! What a big helping of peaches— I like peaches, too!” Then wait.  Sometimes, you will get a response right away. But even if you don’t, know that you are setting the foundation for a trusting relationship.
2. Try the “shoe in the fish tank” trick: Do something deliberately wild and wacky, or at least a little out of the ordinary!  Put a cup on your head and say: “I like my new hat!” Hand the child a book with a scarf in it. Put a banana in your child’s coat. Be creative!
3. Show the child a fascinating new object: Show off your new digital camera, a guitar, a 3D puzzle— any “break the ice” item.  Occasionally, look at the child, smile, and make a short comment about the item and how it works.
4. Try actions first: Watch the child play, then imitate his or her actions. If the child drops a ball in a can, you do the same, but also make a comment, such as: “Boom! In the can!” each time it’s your turn. Puppets, toy animals, and finger plays are also great for turn-taking games. Sometimes it just takes frequent repetition of a familiar activity with the expected words. Your child may surprise you by chiming in when you least expect it!
5. Increase the child’s security level:   Discover what your child’s interests and strengths are, and focus on them as much as possible, using descriptive praise: “So many colors in that picture— how bright!”; “You put the baby to bed so gently!”; “You zipped it up all by yourself!” “Wow! You threw the ball way up high!”
6. Enlist the help of more outgoing children: Encourage peer-to-peer exchanges by giving the conversation a gentle push: “Garrett, you have a new puppy! Rachel has a doggie, too. Garrett, tell Rachel how big your dog is.” Don’t require “Reluctant Rachel” to answer. Just make it a light-hearted conversation with plenty of pauses so if Rachel wants to add a comment, she can.
7. These are a few of my favorite things: Find out the child’s favorite activities. Which T.V. shows and storybook characters does he or she like? Foods? People? Animals? Toys?  As you play, casually mention something about one of these favorites. For instance, if the child has a pet rabbit at home, say: “I like to watch bunny rabbits hop!” Or, if the child loves to sit on Grandpa’s tractor at the farm, say: “I’m sitting on a big tractor— vroom, vroom!” These simple statements often serve as catalysts to motivate the child to share their “expertise” with you.
8. Find a quiet space for a quiet chat: If the child will go with you, find a quiet room for just the two of you. Open a big, bright, colorful picture book, or show them pictures you’ve collected from magazines or newspaper ads (with today’s digital photography, it’s amazing how fascinating ads can be!). Look excitedly at a picture and say: “Oh, my! Look at that fish! It’s bigger than the cat!”  Don’t question, just comment. After you do, pause. Give the child a chance to chime in. Don’t show discouragement if the child doesn’t. Just go on to the next picture.
9. When the child does speak, respond immediately:  When you give the child positive attention for speaking up, you’re sending the message that language is a very powerful tool for connecting. But make sure you respond about the content of the message only. In other words, don’t say:  “Hey, you talked about the bus! Good talking!” Instead, say: “Bus? Oh, yes, that yellow bus just pulled up outside. I see it too!” Then wait. Often, you’ll hear another comment, and your conversation will be off and running! If not, just maintain joint attention to the topic of the child’s interest.
10. Collaborate with others if you still have concerns:  If all else fails, have  patience.  There may be very good reasons why a child is feeling shy. Sometimes, just letting the child warm up at his or her own pace for a few days or weeks is all you need to do. However, if a few months have passed and the child is still not participating verbally at least some of the time, you may consider consulting a professional, such as a speech-language pathologist or mental health counselor experienced in selective mutism. As you work together as a team, remember to respect the child for who they are right now. With everyone’s unconditional friendship and gentle encouragement, you eventually will make the “communication connection”!

Author:
Carol Kauffman, M.A./CCC-SLP. Carol is a licensed, certified speech-language pathologist with over forty years experience.  Over the years, she has witnessed many children turn into happy little chatterboxes with the above techniques.